My mind is a tsunami of emotional forces,
It’s so hard to think and I’ve drained all my resources,
My blood is churning, my head is banging,
On the thinnest thread of survival, my life is hanging.
I know not how much longer I can hold out,
I may not survive this next bout,
There is an agony I carry inside of me,
A certain darkness I don’t want the world to see.
There are secrets known to me alone,
I’ve got sins for which only I can atone,
Deep regrets, scars and silent tears,
A vile burden carried through the years.
A promise broken, a covenant betrayed,
A partner denied, mutual plans derailed,
All for reasons I now stand to regret,
Her death is a tragedy I cannot forget.
I can find no forgiveness for my decision,
Cowardice, fear and blatant indecision,
Robed my partner of life; the life we both wanted,
I can scarcely explain the excuse I granted.
To abandon loving partner that final night,
And leave her without strength or might,
All for the profanity of going to school,
Pleasing others like every other fool.
I still remember her face lined with tears,
As she held on to me; the sum of all her fears,
I should have stayed, we would have survived,
Her lost will or desire would have been revived.
I left her side when she needed comfort,
Yet she never let me experience discomfort,
I know she died alone in a strange land,
Without the comfort of a loving hand.
The pain she went through was undeserved,
Perhaps a measure of such should be reserved,
For me, most treasured and trusted lover,
Who took flight when I was supposed to hover?
And watch over her like a hawk,
Stand behind her like a rock,
Instead I retreated to my own little cove,
And turned my back on fragile lady dove.
The memoir we swore to jointly write,
How can I then know what is right?
When my love walks with the angels now,
And all I can do is shake my head and bow.
Tears well up in my eyes as memories flow back,
She didn’t stay long but she surely left her mark,
I remember it all and I cannot hold back the tears,
The nights we spent together now seem like years.
I learnt all I needed to live or write at her table,
Characters, imagination and guile make a good fable
Judge not another without feeling his or her woe,
And live your life without a foe.
Lessons that have seen me to higher ground,
Making steady progress without a single sound,
Yet when my plan came to fruition, my love was no more,
All the adulation and praise meant nothing, I wanted more.
I wanted to hear her verdict, her laughter resounding into the night,
I needed to cup her face under the stars and kiss her in the moonlight,
Even as I kissed another, I could feel the tears in my eyes,
I turned and looked towards the starry skies.
Perhaps I’d catch a glimpse of her face, her hair,
All I could feel was the coldness of the air,
Yet I must accomplish one final task,
The strength to do so is all I ask.
Dearest love, if you can hear me help me recover,
Fill in the spaces I fail to discover,
Bid me find another like you to lean on,
Help me to stay true this time and push on.
Amidst the storm we found solace in unity,
For us, and those who believe in true diversity,
I fear I must drop my pen at this joint,
Lest my tears ruin this fine ink at this point.
You will return of course; you must,
Ghost, lady, angel; you’ll always be first!